Giving More than 100%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder
about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all
been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How
about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

Out of the Office

Out of the office responses...

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail
to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain
removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send
me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing
system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a
reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to
leave me any messages.

12: I've run away to join a different circus.

----------------
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE :
----------------

13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of
'Steve'.

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Modern Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again,
and again, and again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels,
a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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